Random thoughts: What not to say to a single, childless, late 20 something. "Just be glad you..."

I have been throwing around a thought of something a friend said to me a little while ago, and just feel like I want to put down my thoughts in writing.
First I'll give you some background and context for this blog. Growing up I have always had a great desire in my heart to be a wife and a mother, and really just to make a difference in this world. I remember being about 15 and telling people that I could see myself having lots of children. But now here I am, 10+ years latter. I am 27, living in my hometown, single, childless, and just not living the life I envisioned. And honestly I am ok with that, I really am. I have grown, learned, and experienced so much in the last 10 years, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

But the desires of my heart still remain.

So there I am just chatting with a friend about a week or so ago, and she makes a comment. It goes something like this... you should really be glad you have your singleness and all the freedom you have not to be attached to a spouse. I know her heart was so good, and loving towards me. So I really don't want to pick her statement apart, but at the same time I know I have heard it before and it made me think.

Just be glad you...

Also today I made a post that it's been challenging to be on social media this week because  the majority of posts I see are either engagements, weddings, birth announcements, births, or friends leaving on missions trips. I really don't often deal with envy and I feel like I am pretty good at choosing to celebrate others victories. This week just feels overwhelmed by all these events. When I made that post I got more of the, just be glad you...statements.

Just be glad you...are single and have so much freedom.
Just be glad you...can get a good, full nights rest not having a baby to take care of.
Just be glad you...don't have to deal with international security and a 14 hour flight.

I totally get the heart of the people making these statements. I do. They care, they want me to look at the "bright side".  Rarely do I even bring up the greatest desires in my heart for the future because I am quite happy with what God is doing with me here and now. I feel like I am a pretty optimistic person, and maybe I would, and possibly have made these statements to others before. Maybe I am just a bit tender in the moment right now, but when I really think about it, sometimes those statements feel like a hot arrow to the heart. It makes me want to respond back... Would you give up your spouse for a bit of freedom??? Would you give up your beautiful baby for a full nights sleep???? Would you give up your chance to go impact the world for the kingdom, just to not have to go through the headache of travel????? I am pretty sure the answer to those questions would be NO WAY!!!!

So what's the resolution to this thought process I just spewed on my computer screen while I should be asleep??? I think maybe it's being a bit more sensitive and not comparing your current life circumstances to someone else's.  Because really in these cases one is most often not better than the other. And not knowing the deep desires in the persons heart we maybe be blindly shooting hot arrows. I plan on just celebrating what God is doing in my life and the lives of others. Without comparing.  Without the, "I wish I was..." or the "just be glad you..." statements.

Day 27- Doing hard things. Excuses vs Passion

Well, honesty moment. The last few days haven't gone so well on my journey to the best me. Christmas eve and Christmas day went ok. I really didn't over indulge, had a few of my favorite things, but kept them to reasonable serving sizes. Also I chose not to exercise either days. I felt like taking those two days just to relax and spend time with family, which was ok, but I really do wish I would have just taken 20mins to move my body, I really feel like that would have helped keep me motivated. So Christmas comes and goes, and I felt quite motivated to get back at things...but I didn't. I started making excuses for myself. "I really should tuck into that left over lasagna before someone else eats it. Plus who knows when I will get yummy lasagna anytime soon? Oh, and What's lasagna without a couple pieces out cheesy bread to go with it. " "Well today is ruined as far as my eating goes, what's the harm if I go grab some fast food?" The excuses and reasoning with myself go on and on through to today. That's probably my greatest weakness. ...Or maybe you could say strength. I am REALLY REALLY good at making excuses for my actions and reasoning with myself, and quite honestly it's killing me.
Quite often I think about PASSION. Passion is what drives a person. When I think about this journey I am on I know passion is going to be a huge key. My day is made up of hundreds of choices. The answer to each question comes down to what I am most passionate about. Am I most passionate about the taste of that Micky D's crispy ranch BLT Chicken sandwich or am I more passionate about about eating something healthy and good for my body and having a healthy fully functioning body? Am I more passionate about fitting in with my family and chomping down on some Taco Johns, or being committed to my health journey? In high school when I was playing on the hockey team, doing the hard things was easy. It was easy because I had passion. A HUGE passion. I would work my little heart out just to be the best hockey player I could be. No one ever questioned my passion. Passion to experience God and see others experience God, put me in my car to leave everything I know to drive 2,000 to a place I have never been to fallow that passion. Passion MOVES you. There are many many passions that motivate me towards the best me I can be, but these past few days I have had my eyes on the momentary gratifications not the long term passions.
I would really love to share some of the passions that motivated me on this journey. Over that month they have been what has been pushing me towards my goals. After the last few days I know it would have been invaluable to have a list of those passions. I will share them on here but also plan on posting them on a wall in my room for a constant reminder for the journey ahead
Here are some of my passions that are motivating me on this journey...

• I am passionate about honoring my body because the God commands me to.  The word says, in 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own. For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body." This should be of the utmost importance, but the truth is I have been treating my body like trash and definitely not as a temple that has been bought with a price. I so want to glorify God in my body. 
• I am passionate about being adventurous. I really thing God put an adventurous spirit in me for a reason. I love getting out in nature, hiking and exploring. I hate the fact that I have missed out on some really awesome group hikes while I was in California because I was unsure if I would be able to keep up with the group, or being embarrassed of how out of breath I might. Also being as overweight as I am, I am just not as agile as I could or want to be. I want to get out there in explore this beautiful world God created. 
• I am still very  passionate about hockey. Right now I don't even come close to fitting in my gear. Just bending down to tie my skates is a challenge. Stepping on that ice is one of my favorite feelings ever. It's so freeing for me. I would love to get back on that ice and not feel held back by my unhealthy body. I also have a goal to someday coach a hockey team. To achieve that goal I need to have a healthy body to be a good example to the young athletes and to just keep up with them. I want help develop a passion for hockey in other young girls and women. 
• I am passionate about starting to love my body. I think from early childhood I have struggled with a hatred toward my body. I know this part of my journey is going to be more of an inner healing, than a physical change. I think it's an important part of this journey. I want to loose weight because I love my body not because I hate it. I know I can loose a bunch of weight and still hate my body.  One with out the other will leave me to held back from the best God has for me  I am passionate about an inner and outer transformation. 
• I am passionate to living up to my destiny!!!! The word potential kind of scares me. I know that I have held myself back from some amazing things God my have had for me.  I think God put in each of us so much more potential that very few of us catch hold of. The first thing that scares me is starting to think about the potential that might have been in the days past that I did not grab hold of. I know that letting my mind stay in that place is destructive and non productive. I can not change that past, but I can look towards the future He has for me. Though, it is also scary to just ponder the things He has planned for my future. It's so much bigger than just me. It's bigger than me because I must do it with Him, alongside the people He has placed in my life. I want to be so passionate about the plans He has for me that I will not let anything hold me back. 
• I am passionate about wearing fun clothes. Growing up I have never been super into fashion, but I feel like I am really looking forward to developing my own style. It makes me feel great when I look great. It's not just about the outside, but for me it's about valuing myself enough to care about my outward appearance. 

I know there are probably more passions I will think of while I am on this journey, but I think this is a good start. It will really help me to make smart choices based on what I am REALLY passionate about.  Thank you all for your love and support from the last blog. Your love and kind words mean so much to me. If you read this blog please let me know what you think, or if you have any tips or encouragement. I can use any support I get. Love you ALL!!!!!!!!!

A little less talk and a lot more action

I don't know how many times I have written out goals and planned out just how I was going to lose weight and become a healthier me. Honestly it's been countless times. I think it makes me feel good, though only for a few days.  For some reason, nothing ever comes of them, well other than feelings of failure and defeat. Three weeks ago today, something clicked. I decided to go for it. No, I didn't write out more goals or plans this time. I just went for it.  I did something. Actually got off my behind and worked out. I went to the grocery store and stocked my fridge and cupboards with good food. Now here I am, three weeks later, and 12 lb. lighter. I am actually doing this thing!!!! It's been so easy and so hard at the same time. I have felt so strong, and then so weak. I have felt so high, and then so very low.  I have felt in control, and then absolutely out of control. One minute I feel so motivated, and the next so defeated. I have had to face who I am, who I think I am, who I think others think I am, but most importantly who God says I am. I have wrestled quite a bit with so many things over these past weeks. Wrestled with things I have not wanted to face for many years. Things that need to faced.
There are two main things that really kind of clicked for me about a month ago. The first thing was a post from a pastor I fallow on Facebook.  She said something like "You need to take yourself seriously, because God takes you seriously". This statement really hit me. One thing I often struggle with is insignificance, and I am realizing just how much it is effecting so many aspects of my life. "My health and body really doesn't matter". "Making my days meaningful is not important".  "My passions don't really matter". "I have always been fat so why try". Grabbing the fact that God takes me seriously changes everything!!! God cares about my health and body. Living each day to the fullest helps me be who God created me to be. God put the passions in my heart for a reason. My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and I must take care of it. IF GOD TAKES ME SERIOUSLY, I MUST AS WELL.
The second thing that really helped me kick start this thing, was seeing other success stories online. Seeing other people just like me who have lost 100+ pounds. Up until now it feels like I have been up against a giant wall of impossibility, and up against it all alone. But after seeing stories of people who have does this, I KNOW it's possible. And somehow this time I believe I can do it. That is also one reason I am going to try to blog my journey.  At first I just wanted to do this thing and not tell anyone. This is a pretty personal subject for me, and letting the world in on it is not a little thing. I just kind of wanted to go for it, and not tell anyone. I really kind of don't want anyone to even notice when I do loose weight, I just want to be normal, and want it to be as if I was always normal, that I never even did struggle with this. No "oh, you've lost weight", oh, you look great". Nothing. But here I am putting some of my most personal stuff out on the internet for everyone to see. I do it in the hopes that along this journey that maybe, just maybe I could inspire someone else, like those random people on Youtube who shared their story and inspired me. That I could tell that one someone that, YES!! YOU too can do this. Weather it's weight loss or some other hard thing. Some seemingly impossible wall in front of you.
I am only in the begining of this journey, and don't claim to know much. I do feel like in the last 3 weeks I have really made a great start and have starting chipping at this wall that I once thought was impossible. I don't promise to blog on a super regular basis but I will do my best. So if you want and are interested, please join me on this journey.


PS: As kind of a fun motivation for me, I have decided to not cut my hair until I have lost 100 pounds (and for those who have not seen my in quite a while, right now my hair is the longest it has ever been). I just think it would be a fun thing to symbolically step into a new season of the life then. Also then when you see me with short hair you will know I have done it!!! :)

The good and the bad of numbness.

    The last, probably nine months up until about 3 weeks ago, I feel like I had slipped into a bit of a funk. Almost, slightly like a depressive state. No I wasn't sad or upset about anything. Just quite numb. Numb to just about everything. Not much desire for relationships. Not a huge motivation to get up in the morning, or to make anything of my days. And even the lack of desire to to get into the Lords presence. My favorite place.  Generally in life I feel like I am pretty self aware. I know why I am the way I am. This season though, I really honestly do not know what caused it. Probably many many seemingly small reasons on top of this huge over covering reason of it most definitely being of a year of adjustment to living in such a very different place than I was the 3 years previous.  But doing my best to break things off, adjust, and force myself to do the things I just so did not feel like doing, I still felt like there was no breaking out of this numb little box around myself. It kind of felt like being in a glass box or bubble.  Seeing the world around me, doing my best to interact with it but not being able to really connect with it.
   Then comes the "breakthrough week". It started with agreeing to a session at the life center, just to see if we can figure out anything that needs to be healed to help get me out of this funk. So that is what we did, I shared some of my story and broke some lies. I think there was some breakthrough that night, but really didn't feel much different at that very point in time. I just went with faith that God was doing something. Friday I had plans to down to the international healing conference with two absolutely wonderful women and had an incredible time.  I felt so spurred on by the worship and especially the speaker. He had such an anointing for the impossible. I loved his heart and what God is doing through him. He even presented an opportunity that without seeing it with God's eyes is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE.  I was so interested and very excited. I think it started to stir up things that were in me that had settled over the last year.
   If that wasn't enough, Sunday I went with a friend up to a very small church in Little Falls where one of the guest speakers at the conference was speaking. He preached of revival, which is so my passion and heart for central Minnesota, and why I feel like I am here. I was continued to be stirred. God bringing the passions inside of me that have settled to the bottom. Like bottle of fresh squeezed orange juice where the pulp has settled on the bottom. If this all isn't great enough, after service we were invited to have lunch with them. Ever Sunday after church they sit down and eat together. Honestly this was the highlight of my whole week. There was such an atmosphere of family in that room. The people there were so kind and welcoming. We sat down and starting chatting. Not just empty chit-chat, but real honest connection. After my friend shared with one of the ladies that I had been out to Bethel for school, a lady was like "oh our friend Karen was out there a few years ago, let me go get her". Then comes Karen, she sits next to me and we start to connect. Low and behold we did 1st year together! We chatted and connected for quite some time. It was so invaluable for me to connect with someone who can totally understand where I am at and the feelings I am experiencing. Later this beautiful Dutch couple came and sat down. I introduce myself and Karen mentions that we did BSSM together. Then the man just so beautifully starts encouraging me. Calling me out and up. For minutes he looked me in the eyes and encouraged me with such a fathers heart. I felt so loved, so believed in, in a way I never have before.  That church was so beautiful, there was no rush. No rush on what God was doing. The worship, message and ministry time was two and a half hours. Relationship with each other was not rushed. We chatted over dinner for two hours. Church started at 10am and we didn't leave until 2:30pm
   That was "breakthrough" week. I was amazed how much changed in me in just one week. It was beautiful. It was wonderful. It was God. Things are different now. I feeling like I am most definitely moving out of this season of the "funk".  Yes, there are still struggles here and there. But I am not feeling nearly as numb.  I am feeling much much passionate about life and the future. I am finding the passion and hunger and desire to get in His presence. Lastly relationships. I feel my heart opening back up to relationships and truly connecting with people. And this is were my blog title comes in. "The Good and Bad of Numbness". Being numb to deep and meaningful relationship was easy for the season I am in. When all you wanted to do was shut yourself up in your bedroom, it was easy to not care weather or not I was connecting with people around me. Then I get this breakthrough that I had been so longing for, and it's so so great, until I get to a Friday night or Saturday and all my little heart is longing for is connection and relationship. It was almost better to feel numb in this area. I am finding myself in such a lonely season. I am not about to say I don't have any friends, I do!!! I have some incredible people in my life.  The fact is though, there are two main groups of friends I have. Group one would be the people I am most connected to and do find the most fulfillment in relationship with, the people at the Life Center in Cold Spring and my Sunday night prayer group in Rice, and some other similar connections. These people are absolutely incredible and a huge part of my life. The truth is though, for the most part these groups are made up of people married with families. Most of the time it's not quite feasible to just go hang out on a Friday or Saturday night. The second group of friends would be the incredible individuals I connected with in Californian,  most of which are 2,000 miles away in Redding if not on the other side of the world. Being quite numb the past year, I tried to stay connected with these people through Facebook and Skype, I quite honestly failed.  My intentions are to still connect with these people who are true gifts in my life, but really I it's just not the same as having a friend in the flesh near by to call up, go hang out with and be real with.
    The last thing I want this blog post to be is a vent or a complaint session about my woes, I want it to be productive. So with does a single 26 year old lonely girl do? Some of the things I am going to do to intentionally connect are...
-I am going to be intentional about connecting with the friends in the first category, the ones with families.  It will take my planning and scheduling out, but it is something I want to do.
- I am going to Skype, call, or Facebook at least one BSSM friend at least once a week.
- I am going to intentionally seek out and pray for friend/s who are closer to my age and season of life.
    I know this is such a season of growth for me. I am learning things I could never learn if I was still in Redding. I know God has incredible things for me, and I don't want to miss any of them. Please pray for me in this season. It is a hard season and at the moment quite lonely, but God is so at work inside of me. I look forward to looking back at this time a year or so from now and seeing what God has done through it. :)

Who am I? Where am I am? & What am I doing here?

Who am I? Where am I am? &  What am I doing here?
    Those are the questions on my heart right now. Yeah, yeah, I know "all the right answers". Honestly though, this last 12 months have been some of the most confusing months ever.
    Almost everyday I just want to get in my car and head back to Redding. Back to the place where almost everyday I am told who I am and what I am created to do. I was being that person and was doing those things. So I spend three years there.  I come back to the place I love...or I thought I did.  I thought I was ready to pack up and come back. Now I am not even sure if I was "ready".  What does ready look like anyway??  I find myself realizing that it was so much more scary to pack up and and move to a city 2,000 miles away, to spend a year with 1,000 other students I never met, then to come back "home" to where I grew up.   I thought I had those questions (Who am I? Where am I am? &  What am I doing here? ) answered, but now I don't even know.
So now what??? Well it's time to to strengthen myself in the Lord. It's time to ask the Lord what He wants to do in me and through me HERE. Where I am now.

Well over 100 day later...

Well that didn't go so great. It's over 100 days later. The goals and ambitions I set, I failed horribly at. A week or so after posting my 100 day goals I found myself at one of my lowest places ever. And on top of that my computer charger died, and it took over a month to get a new one, so I couldn't even blog to let you know what was up. How could I go from being so motivated to change myself to not even being motivated to get out of bed in the morning?? How?? Just how does that work? I am feeling a lot better know. And wanting to get motivated again, but what if that happens again???It's probably a silly fear... But at the same time I can't stay the way I am. It is a horrible feeling to know I am living below what God has called me to be. So as of tonight, I am choosing to start walking in my destiny. One step, by one little step. First step this week. I am going to start journaling. And with that my goal is the blog once a week. I think it's so important for me to be recording what God is speaking to me, so that is were I am going to start.

Give it 100: Day14 Discouraged but pressing on.

I am not even sure what I have to say today. So many little thoughts blowing through my mind. Which thought to grab, and make more than a thought??? I guess I will start off my letting you know how my goals are going. To be completely honest, they are not going great. There are a few that I feel I have made progress on, but none that I fallowed completely. But it's not about perfection is about progress right??? I was thinking to myself weather or not I should restart the 100 day a fresh or keep going where I am at.

Give it 100: Day 3 What is success?

What is success?
This is the question on my mind lately. My idea of success looks totally different 5 years ago than it does now.   Then it was probably more about starting college, getting a good job, looking forward to getting married and having kids. Even then it was my goal to have a thriving relationship with God, but at that point it was so much more about how God could be a part of my plans, and not so much how I could be a part of what He is doing. Things are a bit different now, at least I hope. I feel like my goals and aims are more about serving Him and being a part of what He is doing but now I feel like I have more questions about success than ever. Right now one of the hardest things for me is looking at the lives of friends I did school with the last 3 years.  It's so easy for me to look at their lives and compare myself. Success for them right now looks like preaching to thousands, healing the sick and hurting  on a daily basis, singing on the Bethel worship team and I could go on and on. They are all a huge part of what God is doing. So that must be what success looks like, right? Yes, for them, and hopefully for me at some point. One of the most dangerous things I have found in life it comparison. All those things that my friends and classmates are doing are great, but that's not necessarily what success looks like for me right now.  Are achieving the goals I made 3 days ago success? Maybe, at least a part of success, but once I do reach those goals, then what?
Today I was listening to a message by Steffany Gretzinger. One I have listened to many times, but one thing that she said the really resonated with me today was "God doesn't measure success by the end product but by each yes we say to Him. I think it really resonated with me because I can so often judge success by my achievements, comparing myself, or reaching my goals.  But really it all comes down to getting into His presence and saying YES.  That's it really isn't it? I thinks it's those yeses that lead up to those achievements, ministry highs, and goals reached. I think about the people who said "yes" in the Bible. Mary, wow because she said yes God was able to use her to usher in the Messiah.  Each of the disciples, they dropped everything they were doing and fallowed Jesus. They got to get so close to Jesus, in such amazing ways. God saved humanity from the flood by Noah's yes.  Those are just a few I could think of right off the top of my head. So that all said, in my life I want success to be saying yes to Him everyday, weather it be a big yes or lots of small yeses. Yes.

Give it 100: Fresh Start

      I need some change in my life, BIG TIME. I have been back in Minnesota for over 6 months now. And the transition has not been easy. There have been lots of ups and downs. There have been lots of good parts. It's been so great to be back in the place I love so much, and so great to see some many of people I love so much.  Honestly though, it's been very very hard. Especially the past 2 or 3 months have been the most difficult. I have not been thriving, just doing my best to survive. Today I was listening to a word from Heidi Baker and she was speaking about some of the almond trees she had on her property and how they were really not thriving or bearing fruit. She said they had were going to have the trees pruned back and if they didn't thrive after that, they would have to be chopped down. A few days after Heidi's trees were pruned they were green and thriving. I really feel like it is such a crucial time for me. It's time for some change. It's been 6 months since I have been uprooted and transplanted, and now it's time for some major pruning.  I am sick of not thriving, and ready to do something about it. It's been a few weeks since I knew I wanted and needed some change, but just didn't know how to realistically go about it.  A few days ago I saw this video someone posted on Facebook. It was this women who took 100 days to workout and get healthy. As I was watching it I really felt it it was something I could actually do. Take 100 days and really go for something. Obviously I want to make some real life time changes, but I figure 100 days is a really good start, and it will give me some motivation and structure. This is something I am doing for ME. Because I am worth it. I plan on blogging throughout this 100 days, but mostly for myself. I feel like it could be great accountability for myself,  a great way for me to track my progress, and to look back on later. One of the changes I plan on making is getting fit and healthy, which is one thing I am rarely open about and don't really like to talk to anyone about. Though it's quite an obvious struggle in my life and not a rare one for others, it's something I have always hated talking about. That being said I am going to do my best to be vulnerable on here and really share my heart and struggles.  So please be patient with me.

Here is a bit of an outline of the changes I plan on making over the next 100 days and beyond.

Not to do list:
These are things  I have found that keep me from being who I want to be.

-I will not be watching any Youtube vlogs. They give me a false sense of connection with people and are time wasters for me.
-I will not be playing games on Facebook. They are too much of a time wasters for me.
-I will not self-isolate when I feel down and disconnected.
-I will not compare myself to those I can often view as more fit, spiritual, or successful.

To do:
These are things I want to do over the next 100 days to be the person I know God is calling me to be. Some are big changes, and some are small. Some are things I am already doing but not everyday, and want them to be a daily thing.

-I will exercise 5 days a week.
-I will eat more healthy.
    No pop
    No fast food (except on Sundays when as a family we eat out after church)
    I will eat breakfast every morning
-I will keep my apartment clean.
-I will journal everyday.
-I will blog 3-5 times a week.
-I will read before bed.
-I will read my Bible and spend time with God everyday.

So there it is. I plan on day 1 being tomorrow. If you are reading this, thanks!!! I am so excited for this journey. Thanks for coming along.
 

The sky matches my heart.

Here in Redding, supposedly the second sunniest place in the country. It's cold, gloomy and rainy. Though, today, something about it feels right. It matches what I am feeling inside. I feel like the sky is crying tears I don't know how to cry. Once again I feel alone. I feel left behind. 9 months ago I left everything back home, and now, now all of the people I let myself get closest to here are gone. I know I am not really alone. Papa is there for you, "they" say. ...But that's not the answer I want to hear. Years ago I didn't know how to connect with the people around me, I have learned so much and I am still learning. But to connect with Papa God, that's a totally different story.  My goal this summer is to press into Him, to break into that intimate place with Him. I know it's going to be hard, and it will probably be painful, breaking things off and steeping into new freedoms. But I am so ready for it. I need it. I HAVE to know Him. Really know Him. With all my heart I wish I could skip the next 12 weeks, but I really feel like it is probably going to be the most growth filled season of my life. So please, be praying for me this summer, it would mean a lot. Pray that I wouldn't let this season pass me by, I know it's up to me to get out of this time that I want. Pray that I would press through the hard, painful and lonely times. Pray that I could see what is possible, sometimes I get stuck and just can't see anything but what surrounds me. Thank you  friends. LOVE YOU!!!

Setting a new standard of His faithfulness

Just over 7 months ago I arrived here in Redding, CA knowing I was about to go on the greatest adventure of my life thus far. I came to the Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry knowing I would get stretched in great ways, but not really know what was really going to take place in the 7 months from then until now. I knew I would be stepping out of every comfort zone I have established up until that point. I would be leaving a familiar land and going to the last place I would ever expect to go(California). I would be leaving some amazing friendships and force myself to let a whole new group of people know me. I would be stepping out in the prophetic and healing and other giftings that I know God wants to use me in. Also what turned out to be one of the greatest stretching would be financial. I came here with half my tuition paid(enough to start school), and 2 months living expenses. The plan was to hit the job search hard in hopes of finding a job before my money ran out and trust God big time.

I start school and everything is amazing!! I find myself amongst 800 of the most amazing revivalist from around the world. October rolls around and my second half of tuition is due, and I have nothing. I met with the person who takes care of all the tuition, and was able to set up a payment plan. I now owe $300 each month for the next 6 months. So many questions ran through my head. Am I really supposed to be here? Did I just make the biggest mistake? Is God heart towards me really good enough to come through on this?

My first payment was Nov 16th. On Nov 2nd I was sitting in a coffee shop with some friends, I was checking my email and received an email saying that someone anonymously donated $300 towards my tuition. REALLY?! Was this real? Thank you God!! He just might want me to be here, or at least for 1 more month.

So here comes December, this was definitely one of the most challenging months. All my money had run out, I could no longer pay rent, and another tuition payment was coming up. One Friday in revival group we praying for those who needed financial breakthrough. The next day at school there was $300 cash in my homework folder. I had some choices to make. I could use the money to pay rent, I could use it to pay for tuition, or I could use it to pay for gas and go home. After praying about it I decided I was here to go to school. I used the money to pay my tuition payment and sent out a email to my revival group letting everyone know I was looking for a new place to stay. A few days later 2 good friends of mine walked up to me and offered for me to stay with them. They were going to give me 2 months to continue to find a job and if I found a job and was able to start paying rent they were going to allow me to stay permanently.

My January payment due date had come and nothing had come in. I was giving a week extension to get it in and at that point I would be locked out of school if it hadn’t come in. I was really struggling that week. God had provided the past two months, but I was convinced that Gods goodness has to end somewhere, I was really thinking I would be going home soon. On the date it was due I had a bad cold, I was feeling really sick, but decided I wanted to go to school anyway because the next day I would be locked out. My roommate was strongly suggesting that I stay home and rest and not get everyone else at school sick. Something turned in me and I decided to stay home and rest and trust that I would be able to attend school the next day. I stayed home and relaxed. I posted my need on Facebook and by the end of the day the $300 had come in!!

My February payment was now coming up soon. For my birthday was a few weeks ago and a few of my friends had wanted to take me shopping and buy me some new clothes. After chatting we decided the money would be better used to go towards my tuition payment. This helped a ton, but I still need around $250. The day the payment was due I posted my need on Facebook once again. Later that day I had checked my account, once again the money had come in!!! I wrote a thank you note to the person who made the donation, and she had explained that she had been wanting to give but hadn't been able until that time. Perfect timing right?!?!

March had been a rough month. I had been working my job and got my 1st paycheck. I was able to pay rent and a few bills, but the money was just not enough. All this time I had put complete trust in God that He would provide, but know I had a job and working but it just wasn't enough. It was such a realization that I can never put my security in a job or anything else. So the first due date for that months tuition come and goes, and I request an extension. I needed $300 by the 29th. So it the 28th and the night before someone anonymously donated $20, and another person donated $30 that day. I still needed $250 or I would be locked out after the next day. That night I was chatting with a friend online I told her a bit of what was going on, and she decided to go and pay the remainder of the payment.

It is now April. Only one payment left. I am feeling worn and kind of exhausted. Keeping very very busy with work, school, and doing my best to maintain my friendships. I had gotten a 2nd paycheck but still doing my best to catch up on bills, it didn’t don’t cover my tuition. Again I was not able to rely on myself. He brought me this far, and it is still up to Him to bring me pass the finish line. Quite honestly the night it was due I was feeling quite discouraged. I had nothing, and need $300 by the end of the night. I had spent the evening with my friend Courtney and just before I was about to go home, at around 11pm, 1 hour before the tuition was due, I decided to check my tuition account. I honestly could not believe my eyes. Someone anonymously donated the last $300.

This past nine months God has been setting a standard of His faithfulness to me. Before coming here I thought I had heard Him say that He was going to provide for me as He provided for the Israelites in the desert. God set a standard for them. At first they didn't really know how they were going to survive, they just knew they were meant to leave Egypt. But God was so faithful. I am guessing the first couple days they may have questioned Gods goodness, as I did. He gave us manna to day but will it really happen again tomorrow. But it did. This has been such an incredible journey, and in no way do I believe it is over, or ever will be, but He is setting a standard of His faithfulness in my life. I know His heart towards me is good, and I no longer have any reason or excuse to not trust Him.

Chasing the Son: God is like a Zamboni?

   Last night I was at a evening service at twin view(the second campus here at Bethel where we go to some services), worship had been going for a while, and I just really felt that I needed to do some soaking. I went over by my friend Jenny and laid down on the chairs, and started to talk to Jesus. After a bit Jenny came up to me and prayed and prophesied over me. She had said something about a "new playing field". It really caught my thoughts.  I stated thinking about an ice rink, of course that's where my mind went : ). I started thinking about fresh ice, and how God is like a Zamboni.  Life is like a hockey game. After time the ice gets messy, it gets cuts and grooves and gets covered with snow. These imperfections come from my skates, my opponents skates, and my teammates skates. It's no different where the mess comes from, but the puck(which I see as my ministry) has trouble moving towards the goal unless I allow the Zamboni come clean up the ice. The Zamboni comes out, it has a very sharp blade underneath it. It scrapes up all the snow that has been brought up by skates scraping the ice. It scrapes up the snow and draws it up into itself. After it gets rid of the snow the Zamboni lays down a very hot layer of water on the ice, which melt the top of the ice and repairs and fills in the the cracks and grooves. On the back of the Zamboni there is a blanket that smooths everything out.

    I see the game as life, the puck is my ministry, and the goal is... well my goals, my aim and my focus in life. The ice is the surface life is played out on. As the surface gets messy, it gets more and more difficult to move the puck towards the goal. In order for the ice to be cleaned I must come to a place of total surrender to God. In an intermission of an ice hockey game, everyone must get off the ice to let the Zamboni come out. Even the goals must move. In order for God to come in and give me a clean playing surface I must let Him have total access to my heart. God comes in with the sharp blade of His word(written or spoken) He scrapes close and gathers up my "crap" and pulls it up into Himself. The warmth of His love covers my heart, melts away and repairs the cut and grooves, the hurts, pains, and wounds. Lastly His comfort is like nothing else, like the towel on the back of the Zamboni smooths everything out, Holy Spirit, covers my heart with a comfort like nothing else.

Chasing the Son; New year, new things

   First of all I would like to apologize for not keeping up with this blog. God is really doing some amazing things here and I really feel like I am cheating myself by not writing things down. That is why one of my gaols this  new year is to keep up with this blog, at least once a week.
   Wow, the last 4 months have been amazing and amazingly challenging.  I still do not have a job, God has been blowing my mind away the last few month with His faithfulness. Last week I really struggled with the idea that His goodness has to end somewhere, there is no way He can continue to keep providing and being this good to me, or at least that's what I thought. I had a $300 tuition payment due on Tues, and it just seemed so so impossible. He has provided my tuition payments the last 2 months, but for some reason, I just wasn't sure that He was going to come through this months. Can He really be that good? Well He sure showed me!!! Yesterday(Tuesday) my $300 was due and I only had 1/3 of it on that morning. I was really not feeling well, and my roommate was encouraging me to stay home, but I didn't want to because I knew I wasn't going to be able to make my payment and I would not be able to go to school the next day and would not be able to continue until the money came in.  As I was thinking about it, a ton a faith rose up and I felt that I really should stay home and rest and out of faith and that place of rest it would all come in and I would be going to school the next day. So that is exactly what I did, as I stayed home and relaxed... ALL THE MONEY CAME IN!!!!! I sat there and was astonished!!! God is so so good to me!!!
   Today Kris V. talked about honor, it was soooo amazing. The longer I am here and the more I am in this place the more and more respect I have for each of the leadership here. It not like a "puffed up" kinda thing either, it's just that what they are doing is the real deal. None of them are perfect, which we get to see too, but I see what they are doing, the unwavering faith they have, their love for people, the time they spend in prayer and the word.

Chasing the Son: Unsure

Dear Jodi and anyone else who might be reading this blog,
I apologize for not updating more frequently, many times I have been wanting to update but I just can't put into words what is going on here. God is doing so much right now, I don't even know know what He is doing. Honestly it's amazing but so so hard. I am being so stretched, in so many ways. Please please be praying for me.  Hopefully in the next few weeks I will be able to focus in on what the Lord is doing.

Chasing the Son: Sept 23

Wow, I don't even know if I have much to up date with. Just the fact that I am loving this place!!!!!!!! I truly can't believe that I am here, I honestly don't deserve to be at this amazing place, living with these three amazing roommate, learning from these amazing men and women of God, surrounded by 800 other people who are passionately running after God. I want to tell you all I am learning but I don't even know where I would start. yesterday was kind of funny because Kris V was taking and I have heard 90% of what he said from what I have read and heard before coming here. It nice to hear it again. I really don't have much else to say. My prayer requests from the last post remain the same. I hope to update a little more frequently, so I can include more of what I am learning. Love ya all!!!!

Chasing the Son: Missing Minnesota

Well I am here!!!! Honestly the first few days have been so hard. I was way way more home sick than I ever though I would be. I miss my Minnesota friends so much it was really hard to leave all I had back home. The last day or day have just been amazing, I have just really started to get in the groove of things. The presence of God here is so rich and thick and God is totally speaking to me already, its so fun. Well I don't have too much time to write because I am on my roommates computer. I do have a few prayer requests though.
Provision-I really need Gods provision for my daily living. I am working on getting a job, so please be praying with me for a perfect job too.
My car- It got me here! YAY!! but it's not liking the hot weather, so please pray Gods grace over it these next few weeks as it is still quite hot here.
Increased capacity to learn- I have not been in school for 4 1/2 years. Also there is A TON of reading required for the school and I have never been a great reader. So just please pray for greater understanding of what the Lord wants me to understand.
K, that's all I have for now, I love you guys, and miss everyone sooo much.

Chasing the Son: Day 2

I am in the hotel lobby in Salt Lake City. There is a sign saying there is a 10 minute limit for using this computer, so I will make it short. Today went really well, but was VERY VERY long. I drove for 13hrs. The scenery today was beautiful, after a while Wyoming got boring and then I started to fit the mountains, which are sooo beautiful. I can't believe I am already 2/3 there, I am starting to get used to the idea that I am really gone. Tomorrow night I will be arriving in Redding. Honestly I am very nervous, I have to meet all my new roommates, and start to make new friend, also settle in to this new season. I am totally scared, so prayer welcome.  Alright, I have definitely reached my time limit and I am so ready to hit the pillow. So good night for now, I love you all and miss you soooooo much.

Chasing the Son: Day one

So here I am 1/3 of the way to Redding. It's kinda been a rough day, mostly good but kinda rough. I started out by waking up at 5am to pack up my car. Then had to say my goodbyes to my roommate of the last 15 months, who has really been there for me through a lot. Also I had to say goodbye to Bear, Diana's black lab. I feel so dumb saying this, but Bear was a really hard goodbye. Sometimes animals are the easiest "people" to talk to, he has been there where there was no one else. Quite truthfully Bear is the best dog there is. : ) After leaving my home in St. Joseph I went to join a group of dedicated women who have a Bible study at 7am before classes. You know a girl loves the Lord if she is willing to get up extra early to learn the Bible. Thank you ladies for being amazing friends, and sisters in the Lord. After Bible study I headed to my parents house to say my goodbye to my family, minus Monika. I then went to meet my sister Monika at Caribou to say our goodbyes, which really kinda sucked. Monika just got back from Florida after living there for five years. So it's really sticks that she finally came back and now I am heading out. I love you Monika. So I then left St. Cloud and headed to my second home, Belgrade : ) I stopped to say goodbye to my best friend Teri. Teri is probably one of the first people I really Let know me deeply. Teri is honestly one of the most amazing people I know. She loves the Lord, she's real, she's extremely smart, I could go on and on, but I won't. : ) So after I said good bye to Teri I was on my way. The first few hours were every rainy. Honestly the driving part of my day was very boring. All I have to say is, I sure hope God doesn't call me to live in South Dakota. I made a few very quick sight seeing stops. I stopped in Mitchell SD, and checked out the corn palace. As I heading back toward the interstate I passed by a Minnesota street, and it actually kind of made my day. : ) About 4 hours later I stopped at the famous Wall Drug just as everything was closing. :( I then drove about another hour to Rapid City, and here I am. : )




It's wasn't a bad day really, but I feel like today through tomorrow will probably be the hardest. I am still have 2 full days of driving, and I feel like I am kinda in a between place. Still so far from my destination, but already so far from everything I know and love. It's really been harder that I ever thought it would, but I know God has a new fresh season for me and I am so looking forward to it.



Lastly I would like to explain the name of this entry, I think it's kinda cool, and from the Lord. The sun was starting to set for the night, but since I was heading west it, felt like it was taking for ever to set. What popped into my head at that moment was "it feels like I am chasing the sun". Me mind started to ponder that statement. I looked in the rear view mirror and saw the sun setting on my past, but the Son right in front of me. At that moment I really felt I had complete peace. It was sooooo cool. Thank you Lord. I just want to say though, that this last paragraph may sound like I am moving on, to bigger and better things, but that's is not the truth. I think the Lord was just showing me metaphorically where He wants me geographically. By no means by I feel like the "sun is setting" on my relationships I have now. All of my friends and family mean the world to me. Also I hope that as I am physically moving on to a different season in my life, that you guys don't forget about me. I still so desperately need every ones support and prayers.



Alright, well I should be heading of to bed to I can get some rest for my next leg of my journey. Tomorrow I will be driving through Wyoming and Utah, and will be spending the night in Salt Lake City. Tomorrow's drive is going to definitely be a bit more strenuous on my car with all the hills and mountains. So please be praying. Also please keep praying for continued peace and that God presence would be with me in a real way as I drive tomorrow.

Taking Another Step Out onto the Water

I am going for it! I have plans to leave for Redding on Friday Sept 10th and arriving on Sunday Sept 12th. Last night my brother and I spent and hour mapping out a route that I will be driving this weekend. It is all still quite so overwhelming. To be honest it still seems like there are still a lot of unknowns. I feel like God is taking me on a journey with His hands covering my eyes. Kind of like a persons guides a person into a surprise party. He is walking me side by side, describing a few details a time on the way. I am so excited for what is next, but the next few days are going to be the hardest, I have never experienced being the one to be leaving and to have to say goodbye to everyone.
   Like I said there are still a lot of unknowns, so I know be so blessing if you coould be praying with me about these things.
-My car, my dad thinks it's the best option to take my current car. This really makes me nervous. My dad offered to look over my car and do a tune up. Please pray that there are no costly repairs that need to be done, and pray that it lasts for this school year. (or continued prayers that God provides a more reliable car)
-Housing, I have an application in for a totally furnish apartment, that seems like a good fit, and seems like it will work out.  Please pray that this works out, or that something better works out.
-Job, I have been doing some job searing online, but nothing has come up yet, please pray for the right by that provides for my expenses.
-Tuition, I have my first half of tuition paid, which is what I need for my first payment due on the first day of school. $900 will be due in Oct and the remainder will be due in Nov. Honestly it's really kind of scary to be heading out and still be trusting God for another $1800. He provided the first half and I am trusting He will provide the second half.
I just really want to say thanks to everyone, honestly without all of my friends, I wouldn't be going. So many of you gave to my tuition, encouraged me, prayed for me, helped me believe that God wants to use me. Thank you!!!!

Coming to the end of myself:part 2

Going in to this journey of "coming to the end of myself", I thought it was all about depending on God for all of my physical needs.  But today I am realizing another aspect of this journey, which is allowing God to hold my tender heart as I put the relationships that God has blessed me with, into His hands. With tears in my eyes I write this note. Through high school I kind of prided myself in being able to not let people get close, but shortly after high school  broken and lonely, not really knowing who I was, God showed His love in such a great way by bringing some amazing people in my life. The past four years I have always felt like someone has known me deeply, some have come and gone but I have never felt alone. But now I am about to say good bye and move 2,000 miles away for the people who God put in my life the years that mean sooooo much to me.  People who pushed me to place I never thought I would be able to go, people who listened and were patient with me when I didn't know what to say, people who encouraged me to move in some of giftings God has put in me. I have to say goodbye to the most beautiful baby girl that I have spent 15 hours a week with for the past 8 months. I will miss her learning to walk and talk. I have to say good bye to the best black lab ever.  I just never really thought all of this would be nearly this hard, but it is, and I know it's just going to get harder as I continue to get ready to leave. But I am giving God my tender heart, it's hurts, it's scary, but I know God is so good and I am excited to see who God brings into my life in this next step in my journey.   So all that to say, I value the people God has put in my life immensely and I am going to miss everyone more than you could imagine.  Thank you, everyone for allow God to use you to show His love in my life.