The last, probably nine months up until about 3 weeks ago, I feel like I had slipped into a bit of a funk. Almost, slightly like a depressive state. No I wasn't sad or upset about anything. Just quite numb. Numb to just about everything. Not much desire for relationships. Not a huge motivation to get up in the morning, or to make anything of my days. And even the lack of desire to to get into the Lords presence. My favorite place. Generally in life I feel like I am pretty self aware. I know why I am the way I am. This season though, I really honestly do not know what caused it. Probably many many seemingly small reasons on top of this huge over covering reason of it most definitely being of a year of adjustment to living in such a very different place than I was the 3 years previous. But doing my best to break things off, adjust, and force myself to do the things I just so did not feel like doing, I still felt like there was no breaking out of this numb little box around myself. It kind of felt like being in a glass box or bubble. Seeing the world around me, doing my best to interact with it but not being able to really connect with it.
Then comes the "breakthrough week". It started with agreeing to a session at the life center, just to see if we can figure out anything that needs to be healed to help get me out of this funk. So that is what we did, I shared some of my story and broke some lies. I think there was some breakthrough that night, but really didn't feel much different at that very point in time. I just went with faith that God was doing something. Friday I had plans to down to the international healing conference with two absolutely wonderful women and had an incredible time. I felt so spurred on by the worship and especially the speaker. He had such an anointing for the impossible. I loved his heart and what God is doing through him. He even presented an opportunity that without seeing it with God's eyes is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE. I was so interested and very excited. I think it started to stir up things that were in me that had settled over the last year.
If that wasn't enough, Sunday I went with a friend up to a very small church in Little Falls where one of the guest speakers at the conference was speaking. He preached of revival, which is so my passion and heart for central Minnesota, and why I feel like I am here. I was continued to be stirred. God bringing the passions inside of me that have settled to the bottom. Like bottle of fresh squeezed orange juice where the pulp has settled on the bottom. If this all isn't great enough, after service we were invited to have lunch with them. Ever Sunday after church they sit down and eat together. Honestly this was the highlight of my whole week. There was such an atmosphere of family in that room. The people there were so kind and welcoming. We sat down and starting chatting. Not just empty chit-chat, but real honest connection. After my friend shared with one of the ladies that I had been out to Bethel for school, a lady was like "oh our friend Karen was out there a few years ago, let me go get her". Then comes Karen, she sits next to me and we start to connect. Low and behold we did 1st year together! We chatted and connected for quite some time. It was so invaluable for me to connect with someone who can totally understand where I am at and the feelings I am experiencing. Later this beautiful Dutch couple came and sat down. I introduce myself and Karen mentions that we did BSSM together. Then the man just so beautifully starts encouraging me. Calling me out and up. For minutes he looked me in the eyes and encouraged me with such a fathers heart. I felt so loved, so believed in, in a way I never have before. That church was so beautiful, there was no rush. No rush on what God was doing. The worship, message and ministry time was two and a half hours. Relationship with each other was not rushed. We chatted over dinner for two hours. Church started at 10am and we didn't leave until 2:30pm
That was "breakthrough" week. I was amazed how much changed in me in just one week. It was beautiful. It was wonderful. It was God. Things are different now. I feeling like I am most definitely moving out of this season of the "funk". Yes, there are still struggles here and there. But I am not feeling nearly as numb. I am feeling much much passionate about life and the future. I am finding the passion and hunger and desire to get in His presence. Lastly relationships. I feel my heart opening back up to relationships and truly connecting with people. And this is were my blog title comes in. "The Good and Bad of Numbness". Being numb to deep and meaningful relationship was easy for the season I am in. When all you wanted to do was shut yourself up in your bedroom, it was easy to not care weather or not I was connecting with people around me. Then I get this breakthrough that I had been so longing for, and it's so so great, until I get to a Friday night or Saturday and all my little heart is longing for is connection and relationship. It was almost better to feel numb in this area. I am finding myself in such a lonely season. I am not about to say I don't have any friends, I do!!! I have some incredible people in my life. The fact is though, there are two main groups of friends I have. Group one would be the people I am most connected to and do find the most fulfillment in relationship with, the people at the Life Center in Cold Spring and my Sunday night prayer group in Rice, and some other similar connections. These people are absolutely incredible and a huge part of my life. The truth is though, for the most part these groups are made up of people married with families. Most of the time it's not quite feasible to just go hang out on a Friday or Saturday night. The second group of friends would be the incredible individuals I connected with in Californian, most of which are 2,000 miles away in Redding if not on the other side of the world. Being quite numb the past year, I tried to stay connected with these people through Facebook and Skype, I quite honestly failed. My intentions are to still connect with these people who are true gifts in my life, but really I it's just not the same as having a friend in the flesh near by to call up, go hang out with and be real with.
The last thing I want this blog post to be is a vent or a complaint session about my woes, I want it to be productive. So with does a single 26 year old lonely girl do? Some of the things I am going to do to intentionally connect are...
-I am going to be intentional about connecting with the friends in the first category, the ones with families. It will take my planning and scheduling out, but it is something I want to do.
- I am going to Skype, call, or Facebook at least one BSSM friend at least once a week.
- I am going to intentionally seek out and pray for friend/s who are closer to my age and season of life.
I know this is such a season of growth for me. I am learning things I could never learn if I was still in Redding. I know God has incredible things for me, and I don't want to miss any of them. Please pray for me in this season. It is a hard season and at the moment quite lonely, but God is so at work inside of me. I look forward to looking back at this time a year or so from now and seeing what God has done through it. :)
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