Who am I? Where am I am? & What am I doing here?

Who am I? Where am I am? &  What am I doing here?
    Those are the questions on my heart right now. Yeah, yeah, I know "all the right answers". Honestly though, this last 12 months have been some of the most confusing months ever.
    Almost everyday I just want to get in my car and head back to Redding. Back to the place where almost everyday I am told who I am and what I am created to do. I was being that person and was doing those things. So I spend three years there.  I come back to the place I love...or I thought I did.  I thought I was ready to pack up and come back. Now I am not even sure if I was "ready".  What does ready look like anyway??  I find myself realizing that it was so much more scary to pack up and and move to a city 2,000 miles away, to spend a year with 1,000 other students I never met, then to come back "home" to where I grew up.   I thought I had those questions (Who am I? Where am I am? &  What am I doing here? ) answered, but now I don't even know.
So now what??? Well it's time to to strengthen myself in the Lord. It's time to ask the Lord what He wants to do in me and through me HERE. Where I am now.

Well over 100 day later...

Well that didn't go so great. It's over 100 days later. The goals and ambitions I set, I failed horribly at. A week or so after posting my 100 day goals I found myself at one of my lowest places ever. And on top of that my computer charger died, and it took over a month to get a new one, so I couldn't even blog to let you know what was up. How could I go from being so motivated to change myself to not even being motivated to get out of bed in the morning?? How?? Just how does that work? I am feeling a lot better know. And wanting to get motivated again, but what if that happens again???It's probably a silly fear... But at the same time I can't stay the way I am. It is a horrible feeling to know I am living below what God has called me to be. So as of tonight, I am choosing to start walking in my destiny. One step, by one little step. First step this week. I am going to start journaling. And with that my goal is the blog once a week. I think it's so important for me to be recording what God is speaking to me, so that is were I am going to start.

Give it 100: Day14 Discouraged but pressing on.

I am not even sure what I have to say today. So many little thoughts blowing through my mind. Which thought to grab, and make more than a thought??? I guess I will start off my letting you know how my goals are going. To be completely honest, they are not going great. There are a few that I feel I have made progress on, but none that I fallowed completely. But it's not about perfection is about progress right??? I was thinking to myself weather or not I should restart the 100 day a fresh or keep going where I am at.

Give it 100: Day 3 What is success?

What is success?
This is the question on my mind lately. My idea of success looks totally different 5 years ago than it does now.   Then it was probably more about starting college, getting a good job, looking forward to getting married and having kids. Even then it was my goal to have a thriving relationship with God, but at that point it was so much more about how God could be a part of my plans, and not so much how I could be a part of what He is doing. Things are a bit different now, at least I hope. I feel like my goals and aims are more about serving Him and being a part of what He is doing but now I feel like I have more questions about success than ever. Right now one of the hardest things for me is looking at the lives of friends I did school with the last 3 years.  It's so easy for me to look at their lives and compare myself. Success for them right now looks like preaching to thousands, healing the sick and hurting  on a daily basis, singing on the Bethel worship team and I could go on and on. They are all a huge part of what God is doing. So that must be what success looks like, right? Yes, for them, and hopefully for me at some point. One of the most dangerous things I have found in life it comparison. All those things that my friends and classmates are doing are great, but that's not necessarily what success looks like for me right now.  Are achieving the goals I made 3 days ago success? Maybe, at least a part of success, but once I do reach those goals, then what?
Today I was listening to a message by Steffany Gretzinger. One I have listened to many times, but one thing that she said the really resonated with me today was "God doesn't measure success by the end product but by each yes we say to Him. I think it really resonated with me because I can so often judge success by my achievements, comparing myself, or reaching my goals.  But really it all comes down to getting into His presence and saying YES.  That's it really isn't it? I thinks it's those yeses that lead up to those achievements, ministry highs, and goals reached. I think about the people who said "yes" in the Bible. Mary, wow because she said yes God was able to use her to usher in the Messiah.  Each of the disciples, they dropped everything they were doing and fallowed Jesus. They got to get so close to Jesus, in such amazing ways. God saved humanity from the flood by Noah's yes.  Those are just a few I could think of right off the top of my head. So that all said, in my life I want success to be saying yes to Him everyday, weather it be a big yes or lots of small yeses. Yes.

Give it 100: Fresh Start

      I need some change in my life, BIG TIME. I have been back in Minnesota for over 6 months now. And the transition has not been easy. There have been lots of ups and downs. There have been lots of good parts. It's been so great to be back in the place I love so much, and so great to see some many of people I love so much.  Honestly though, it's been very very hard. Especially the past 2 or 3 months have been the most difficult. I have not been thriving, just doing my best to survive. Today I was listening to a word from Heidi Baker and she was speaking about some of the almond trees she had on her property and how they were really not thriving or bearing fruit. She said they had were going to have the trees pruned back and if they didn't thrive after that, they would have to be chopped down. A few days after Heidi's trees were pruned they were green and thriving. I really feel like it is such a crucial time for me. It's time for some change. It's been 6 months since I have been uprooted and transplanted, and now it's time for some major pruning.  I am sick of not thriving, and ready to do something about it. It's been a few weeks since I knew I wanted and needed some change, but just didn't know how to realistically go about it.  A few days ago I saw this video someone posted on Facebook. It was this women who took 100 days to workout and get healthy. As I was watching it I really felt it it was something I could actually do. Take 100 days and really go for something. Obviously I want to make some real life time changes, but I figure 100 days is a really good start, and it will give me some motivation and structure. This is something I am doing for ME. Because I am worth it. I plan on blogging throughout this 100 days, but mostly for myself. I feel like it could be great accountability for myself,  a great way for me to track my progress, and to look back on later. One of the changes I plan on making is getting fit and healthy, which is one thing I am rarely open about and don't really like to talk to anyone about. Though it's quite an obvious struggle in my life and not a rare one for others, it's something I have always hated talking about. That being said I am going to do my best to be vulnerable on here and really share my heart and struggles.  So please be patient with me.

Here is a bit of an outline of the changes I plan on making over the next 100 days and beyond.

Not to do list:
These are things  I have found that keep me from being who I want to be.

-I will not be watching any Youtube vlogs. They give me a false sense of connection with people and are time wasters for me.
-I will not be playing games on Facebook. They are too much of a time wasters for me.
-I will not self-isolate when I feel down and disconnected.
-I will not compare myself to those I can often view as more fit, spiritual, or successful.

To do:
These are things I want to do over the next 100 days to be the person I know God is calling me to be. Some are big changes, and some are small. Some are things I am already doing but not everyday, and want them to be a daily thing.

-I will exercise 5 days a week.
-I will eat more healthy.
    No pop
    No fast food (except on Sundays when as a family we eat out after church)
    I will eat breakfast every morning
-I will keep my apartment clean.
-I will journal everyday.
-I will blog 3-5 times a week.
-I will read before bed.
-I will read my Bible and spend time with God everyday.

So there it is. I plan on day 1 being tomorrow. If you are reading this, thanks!!! I am so excited for this journey. Thanks for coming along.
 

The sky matches my heart.

Here in Redding, supposedly the second sunniest place in the country. It's cold, gloomy and rainy. Though, today, something about it feels right. It matches what I am feeling inside. I feel like the sky is crying tears I don't know how to cry. Once again I feel alone. I feel left behind. 9 months ago I left everything back home, and now, now all of the people I let myself get closest to here are gone. I know I am not really alone. Papa is there for you, "they" say. ...But that's not the answer I want to hear. Years ago I didn't know how to connect with the people around me, I have learned so much and I am still learning. But to connect with Papa God, that's a totally different story.  My goal this summer is to press into Him, to break into that intimate place with Him. I know it's going to be hard, and it will probably be painful, breaking things off and steeping into new freedoms. But I am so ready for it. I need it. I HAVE to know Him. Really know Him. With all my heart I wish I could skip the next 12 weeks, but I really feel like it is probably going to be the most growth filled season of my life. So please, be praying for me this summer, it would mean a lot. Pray that I wouldn't let this season pass me by, I know it's up to me to get out of this time that I want. Pray that I would press through the hard, painful and lonely times. Pray that I could see what is possible, sometimes I get stuck and just can't see anything but what surrounds me. Thank you  friends. LOVE YOU!!!

Setting a new standard of His faithfulness

Just over 7 months ago I arrived here in Redding, CA knowing I was about to go on the greatest adventure of my life thus far. I came to the Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry knowing I would get stretched in great ways, but not really know what was really going to take place in the 7 months from then until now. I knew I would be stepping out of every comfort zone I have established up until that point. I would be leaving a familiar land and going to the last place I would ever expect to go(California). I would be leaving some amazing friendships and force myself to let a whole new group of people know me. I would be stepping out in the prophetic and healing and other giftings that I know God wants to use me in. Also what turned out to be one of the greatest stretching would be financial. I came here with half my tuition paid(enough to start school), and 2 months living expenses. The plan was to hit the job search hard in hopes of finding a job before my money ran out and trust God big time.

I start school and everything is amazing!! I find myself amongst 800 of the most amazing revivalist from around the world. October rolls around and my second half of tuition is due, and I have nothing. I met with the person who takes care of all the tuition, and was able to set up a payment plan. I now owe $300 each month for the next 6 months. So many questions ran through my head. Am I really supposed to be here? Did I just make the biggest mistake? Is God heart towards me really good enough to come through on this?

My first payment was Nov 16th. On Nov 2nd I was sitting in a coffee shop with some friends, I was checking my email and received an email saying that someone anonymously donated $300 towards my tuition. REALLY?! Was this real? Thank you God!! He just might want me to be here, or at least for 1 more month.

So here comes December, this was definitely one of the most challenging months. All my money had run out, I could no longer pay rent, and another tuition payment was coming up. One Friday in revival group we praying for those who needed financial breakthrough. The next day at school there was $300 cash in my homework folder. I had some choices to make. I could use the money to pay rent, I could use it to pay for tuition, or I could use it to pay for gas and go home. After praying about it I decided I was here to go to school. I used the money to pay my tuition payment and sent out a email to my revival group letting everyone know I was looking for a new place to stay. A few days later 2 good friends of mine walked up to me and offered for me to stay with them. They were going to give me 2 months to continue to find a job and if I found a job and was able to start paying rent they were going to allow me to stay permanently.

My January payment due date had come and nothing had come in. I was giving a week extension to get it in and at that point I would be locked out of school if it hadn’t come in. I was really struggling that week. God had provided the past two months, but I was convinced that Gods goodness has to end somewhere, I was really thinking I would be going home soon. On the date it was due I had a bad cold, I was feeling really sick, but decided I wanted to go to school anyway because the next day I would be locked out. My roommate was strongly suggesting that I stay home and rest and not get everyone else at school sick. Something turned in me and I decided to stay home and rest and trust that I would be able to attend school the next day. I stayed home and relaxed. I posted my need on Facebook and by the end of the day the $300 had come in!!

My February payment was now coming up soon. For my birthday was a few weeks ago and a few of my friends had wanted to take me shopping and buy me some new clothes. After chatting we decided the money would be better used to go towards my tuition payment. This helped a ton, but I still need around $250. The day the payment was due I posted my need on Facebook once again. Later that day I had checked my account, once again the money had come in!!! I wrote a thank you note to the person who made the donation, and she had explained that she had been wanting to give but hadn't been able until that time. Perfect timing right?!?!

March had been a rough month. I had been working my job and got my 1st paycheck. I was able to pay rent and a few bills, but the money was just not enough. All this time I had put complete trust in God that He would provide, but know I had a job and working but it just wasn't enough. It was such a realization that I can never put my security in a job or anything else. So the first due date for that months tuition come and goes, and I request an extension. I needed $300 by the 29th. So it the 28th and the night before someone anonymously donated $20, and another person donated $30 that day. I still needed $250 or I would be locked out after the next day. That night I was chatting with a friend online I told her a bit of what was going on, and she decided to go and pay the remainder of the payment.

It is now April. Only one payment left. I am feeling worn and kind of exhausted. Keeping very very busy with work, school, and doing my best to maintain my friendships. I had gotten a 2nd paycheck but still doing my best to catch up on bills, it didn’t don’t cover my tuition. Again I was not able to rely on myself. He brought me this far, and it is still up to Him to bring me pass the finish line. Quite honestly the night it was due I was feeling quite discouraged. I had nothing, and need $300 by the end of the night. I had spent the evening with my friend Courtney and just before I was about to go home, at around 11pm, 1 hour before the tuition was due, I decided to check my tuition account. I honestly could not believe my eyes. Someone anonymously donated the last $300.

This past nine months God has been setting a standard of His faithfulness to me. Before coming here I thought I had heard Him say that He was going to provide for me as He provided for the Israelites in the desert. God set a standard for them. At first they didn't really know how they were going to survive, they just knew they were meant to leave Egypt. But God was so faithful. I am guessing the first couple days they may have questioned Gods goodness, as I did. He gave us manna to day but will it really happen again tomorrow. But it did. This has been such an incredible journey, and in no way do I believe it is over, or ever will be, but He is setting a standard of His faithfulness in my life. I know His heart towards me is good, and I no longer have any reason or excuse to not trust Him.