Day 27- Doing hard things. Excuses vs Passion

Well, honesty moment. The last few days haven't gone so well on my journey to the best me. Christmas eve and Christmas day went ok. I really didn't over indulge, had a few of my favorite things, but kept them to reasonable serving sizes. Also I chose not to exercise either days. I felt like taking those two days just to relax and spend time with family, which was ok, but I really do wish I would have just taken 20mins to move my body, I really feel like that would have helped keep me motivated. So Christmas comes and goes, and I felt quite motivated to get back at things...but I didn't. I started making excuses for myself. "I really should tuck into that left over lasagna before someone else eats it. Plus who knows when I will get yummy lasagna anytime soon? Oh, and What's lasagna without a couple pieces out cheesy bread to go with it. " "Well today is ruined as far as my eating goes, what's the harm if I go grab some fast food?" The excuses and reasoning with myself go on and on through to today. That's probably my greatest weakness. ...Or maybe you could say strength. I am REALLY REALLY good at making excuses for my actions and reasoning with myself, and quite honestly it's killing me.
Quite often I think about PASSION. Passion is what drives a person. When I think about this journey I am on I know passion is going to be a huge key. My day is made up of hundreds of choices. The answer to each question comes down to what I am most passionate about. Am I most passionate about the taste of that Micky D's crispy ranch BLT Chicken sandwich or am I more passionate about about eating something healthy and good for my body and having a healthy fully functioning body? Am I more passionate about fitting in with my family and chomping down on some Taco Johns, or being committed to my health journey? In high school when I was playing on the hockey team, doing the hard things was easy. It was easy because I had passion. A HUGE passion. I would work my little heart out just to be the best hockey player I could be. No one ever questioned my passion. Passion to experience God and see others experience God, put me in my car to leave everything I know to drive 2,000 to a place I have never been to fallow that passion. Passion MOVES you. There are many many passions that motivate me towards the best me I can be, but these past few days I have had my eyes on the momentary gratifications not the long term passions.
I would really love to share some of the passions that motivated me on this journey. Over that month they have been what has been pushing me towards my goals. After the last few days I know it would have been invaluable to have a list of those passions. I will share them on here but also plan on posting them on a wall in my room for a constant reminder for the journey ahead
Here are some of my passions that are motivating me on this journey...

• I am passionate about honoring my body because the God commands me to.  The word says, in 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own. For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body." This should be of the utmost importance, but the truth is I have been treating my body like trash and definitely not as a temple that has been bought with a price. I so want to glorify God in my body. 
• I am passionate about being adventurous. I really thing God put an adventurous spirit in me for a reason. I love getting out in nature, hiking and exploring. I hate the fact that I have missed out on some really awesome group hikes while I was in California because I was unsure if I would be able to keep up with the group, or being embarrassed of how out of breath I might. Also being as overweight as I am, I am just not as agile as I could or want to be. I want to get out there in explore this beautiful world God created. 
• I am still very  passionate about hockey. Right now I don't even come close to fitting in my gear. Just bending down to tie my skates is a challenge. Stepping on that ice is one of my favorite feelings ever. It's so freeing for me. I would love to get back on that ice and not feel held back by my unhealthy body. I also have a goal to someday coach a hockey team. To achieve that goal I need to have a healthy body to be a good example to the young athletes and to just keep up with them. I want help develop a passion for hockey in other young girls and women. 
• I am passionate about starting to love my body. I think from early childhood I have struggled with a hatred toward my body. I know this part of my journey is going to be more of an inner healing, than a physical change. I think it's an important part of this journey. I want to loose weight because I love my body not because I hate it. I know I can loose a bunch of weight and still hate my body.  One with out the other will leave me to held back from the best God has for me  I am passionate about an inner and outer transformation. 
• I am passionate to living up to my destiny!!!! The word potential kind of scares me. I know that I have held myself back from some amazing things God my have had for me.  I think God put in each of us so much more potential that very few of us catch hold of. The first thing that scares me is starting to think about the potential that might have been in the days past that I did not grab hold of. I know that letting my mind stay in that place is destructive and non productive. I can not change that past, but I can look towards the future He has for me. Though, it is also scary to just ponder the things He has planned for my future. It's so much bigger than just me. It's bigger than me because I must do it with Him, alongside the people He has placed in my life. I want to be so passionate about the plans He has for me that I will not let anything hold me back. 
• I am passionate about wearing fun clothes. Growing up I have never been super into fashion, but I feel like I am really looking forward to developing my own style. It makes me feel great when I look great. It's not just about the outside, but for me it's about valuing myself enough to care about my outward appearance. 

I know there are probably more passions I will think of while I am on this journey, but I think this is a good start. It will really help me to make smart choices based on what I am REALLY passionate about.  Thank you all for your love and support from the last blog. Your love and kind words mean so much to me. If you read this blog please let me know what you think, or if you have any tips or encouragement. I can use any support I get. Love you ALL!!!!!!!!!

A little less talk and a lot more action

I don't know how many times I have written out goals and planned out just how I was going to lose weight and become a healthier me. Honestly it's been countless times. I think it makes me feel good, though only for a few days.  For some reason, nothing ever comes of them, well other than feelings of failure and defeat. Three weeks ago today, something clicked. I decided to go for it. No, I didn't write out more goals or plans this time. I just went for it.  I did something. Actually got off my behind and worked out. I went to the grocery store and stocked my fridge and cupboards with good food. Now here I am, three weeks later, and 12 lb. lighter. I am actually doing this thing!!!! It's been so easy and so hard at the same time. I have felt so strong, and then so weak. I have felt so high, and then so very low.  I have felt in control, and then absolutely out of control. One minute I feel so motivated, and the next so defeated. I have had to face who I am, who I think I am, who I think others think I am, but most importantly who God says I am. I have wrestled quite a bit with so many things over these past weeks. Wrestled with things I have not wanted to face for many years. Things that need to faced.
There are two main things that really kind of clicked for me about a month ago. The first thing was a post from a pastor I fallow on Facebook.  She said something like "You need to take yourself seriously, because God takes you seriously". This statement really hit me. One thing I often struggle with is insignificance, and I am realizing just how much it is effecting so many aspects of my life. "My health and body really doesn't matter". "Making my days meaningful is not important".  "My passions don't really matter". "I have always been fat so why try". Grabbing the fact that God takes me seriously changes everything!!! God cares about my health and body. Living each day to the fullest helps me be who God created me to be. God put the passions in my heart for a reason. My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and I must take care of it. IF GOD TAKES ME SERIOUSLY, I MUST AS WELL.
The second thing that really helped me kick start this thing, was seeing other success stories online. Seeing other people just like me who have lost 100+ pounds. Up until now it feels like I have been up against a giant wall of impossibility, and up against it all alone. But after seeing stories of people who have does this, I KNOW it's possible. And somehow this time I believe I can do it. That is also one reason I am going to try to blog my journey.  At first I just wanted to do this thing and not tell anyone. This is a pretty personal subject for me, and letting the world in on it is not a little thing. I just kind of wanted to go for it, and not tell anyone. I really kind of don't want anyone to even notice when I do loose weight, I just want to be normal, and want it to be as if I was always normal, that I never even did struggle with this. No "oh, you've lost weight", oh, you look great". Nothing. But here I am putting some of my most personal stuff out on the internet for everyone to see. I do it in the hopes that along this journey that maybe, just maybe I could inspire someone else, like those random people on Youtube who shared their story and inspired me. That I could tell that one someone that, YES!! YOU too can do this. Weather it's weight loss or some other hard thing. Some seemingly impossible wall in front of you.
I am only in the begining of this journey, and don't claim to know much. I do feel like in the last 3 weeks I have really made a great start and have starting chipping at this wall that I once thought was impossible. I don't promise to blog on a super regular basis but I will do my best. So if you want and are interested, please join me on this journey.


PS: As kind of a fun motivation for me, I have decided to not cut my hair until I have lost 100 pounds (and for those who have not seen my in quite a while, right now my hair is the longest it has ever been). I just think it would be a fun thing to symbolically step into a new season of the life then. Also then when you see me with short hair you will know I have done it!!! :)

The good and the bad of numbness.

    The last, probably nine months up until about 3 weeks ago, I feel like I had slipped into a bit of a funk. Almost, slightly like a depressive state. No I wasn't sad or upset about anything. Just quite numb. Numb to just about everything. Not much desire for relationships. Not a huge motivation to get up in the morning, or to make anything of my days. And even the lack of desire to to get into the Lords presence. My favorite place.  Generally in life I feel like I am pretty self aware. I know why I am the way I am. This season though, I really honestly do not know what caused it. Probably many many seemingly small reasons on top of this huge over covering reason of it most definitely being of a year of adjustment to living in such a very different place than I was the 3 years previous.  But doing my best to break things off, adjust, and force myself to do the things I just so did not feel like doing, I still felt like there was no breaking out of this numb little box around myself. It kind of felt like being in a glass box or bubble.  Seeing the world around me, doing my best to interact with it but not being able to really connect with it.
   Then comes the "breakthrough week". It started with agreeing to a session at the life center, just to see if we can figure out anything that needs to be healed to help get me out of this funk. So that is what we did, I shared some of my story and broke some lies. I think there was some breakthrough that night, but really didn't feel much different at that very point in time. I just went with faith that God was doing something. Friday I had plans to down to the international healing conference with two absolutely wonderful women and had an incredible time.  I felt so spurred on by the worship and especially the speaker. He had such an anointing for the impossible. I loved his heart and what God is doing through him. He even presented an opportunity that without seeing it with God's eyes is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE.  I was so interested and very excited. I think it started to stir up things that were in me that had settled over the last year.
   If that wasn't enough, Sunday I went with a friend up to a very small church in Little Falls where one of the guest speakers at the conference was speaking. He preached of revival, which is so my passion and heart for central Minnesota, and why I feel like I am here. I was continued to be stirred. God bringing the passions inside of me that have settled to the bottom. Like bottle of fresh squeezed orange juice where the pulp has settled on the bottom. If this all isn't great enough, after service we were invited to have lunch with them. Ever Sunday after church they sit down and eat together. Honestly this was the highlight of my whole week. There was such an atmosphere of family in that room. The people there were so kind and welcoming. We sat down and starting chatting. Not just empty chit-chat, but real honest connection. After my friend shared with one of the ladies that I had been out to Bethel for school, a lady was like "oh our friend Karen was out there a few years ago, let me go get her". Then comes Karen, she sits next to me and we start to connect. Low and behold we did 1st year together! We chatted and connected for quite some time. It was so invaluable for me to connect with someone who can totally understand where I am at and the feelings I am experiencing. Later this beautiful Dutch couple came and sat down. I introduce myself and Karen mentions that we did BSSM together. Then the man just so beautifully starts encouraging me. Calling me out and up. For minutes he looked me in the eyes and encouraged me with such a fathers heart. I felt so loved, so believed in, in a way I never have before.  That church was so beautiful, there was no rush. No rush on what God was doing. The worship, message and ministry time was two and a half hours. Relationship with each other was not rushed. We chatted over dinner for two hours. Church started at 10am and we didn't leave until 2:30pm
   That was "breakthrough" week. I was amazed how much changed in me in just one week. It was beautiful. It was wonderful. It was God. Things are different now. I feeling like I am most definitely moving out of this season of the "funk".  Yes, there are still struggles here and there. But I am not feeling nearly as numb.  I am feeling much much passionate about life and the future. I am finding the passion and hunger and desire to get in His presence. Lastly relationships. I feel my heart opening back up to relationships and truly connecting with people. And this is were my blog title comes in. "The Good and Bad of Numbness". Being numb to deep and meaningful relationship was easy for the season I am in. When all you wanted to do was shut yourself up in your bedroom, it was easy to not care weather or not I was connecting with people around me. Then I get this breakthrough that I had been so longing for, and it's so so great, until I get to a Friday night or Saturday and all my little heart is longing for is connection and relationship. It was almost better to feel numb in this area. I am finding myself in such a lonely season. I am not about to say I don't have any friends, I do!!! I have some incredible people in my life.  The fact is though, there are two main groups of friends I have. Group one would be the people I am most connected to and do find the most fulfillment in relationship with, the people at the Life Center in Cold Spring and my Sunday night prayer group in Rice, and some other similar connections. These people are absolutely incredible and a huge part of my life. The truth is though, for the most part these groups are made up of people married with families. Most of the time it's not quite feasible to just go hang out on a Friday or Saturday night. The second group of friends would be the incredible individuals I connected with in Californian,  most of which are 2,000 miles away in Redding if not on the other side of the world. Being quite numb the past year, I tried to stay connected with these people through Facebook and Skype, I quite honestly failed.  My intentions are to still connect with these people who are true gifts in my life, but really I it's just not the same as having a friend in the flesh near by to call up, go hang out with and be real with.
    The last thing I want this blog post to be is a vent or a complaint session about my woes, I want it to be productive. So with does a single 26 year old lonely girl do? Some of the things I am going to do to intentionally connect are...
-I am going to be intentional about connecting with the friends in the first category, the ones with families.  It will take my planning and scheduling out, but it is something I want to do.
- I am going to Skype, call, or Facebook at least one BSSM friend at least once a week.
- I am going to intentionally seek out and pray for friend/s who are closer to my age and season of life.
    I know this is such a season of growth for me. I am learning things I could never learn if I was still in Redding. I know God has incredible things for me, and I don't want to miss any of them. Please pray for me in this season. It is a hard season and at the moment quite lonely, but God is so at work inside of me. I look forward to looking back at this time a year or so from now and seeing what God has done through it. :)

Who am I? Where am I am? & What am I doing here?

Who am I? Where am I am? &  What am I doing here?
    Those are the questions on my heart right now. Yeah, yeah, I know "all the right answers". Honestly though, this last 12 months have been some of the most confusing months ever.
    Almost everyday I just want to get in my car and head back to Redding. Back to the place where almost everyday I am told who I am and what I am created to do. I was being that person and was doing those things. So I spend three years there.  I come back to the place I love...or I thought I did.  I thought I was ready to pack up and come back. Now I am not even sure if I was "ready".  What does ready look like anyway??  I find myself realizing that it was so much more scary to pack up and and move to a city 2,000 miles away, to spend a year with 1,000 other students I never met, then to come back "home" to where I grew up.   I thought I had those questions (Who am I? Where am I am? &  What am I doing here? ) answered, but now I don't even know.
So now what??? Well it's time to to strengthen myself in the Lord. It's time to ask the Lord what He wants to do in me and through me HERE. Where I am now.

Well over 100 day later...

Well that didn't go so great. It's over 100 days later. The goals and ambitions I set, I failed horribly at. A week or so after posting my 100 day goals I found myself at one of my lowest places ever. And on top of that my computer charger died, and it took over a month to get a new one, so I couldn't even blog to let you know what was up. How could I go from being so motivated to change myself to not even being motivated to get out of bed in the morning?? How?? Just how does that work? I am feeling a lot better know. And wanting to get motivated again, but what if that happens again???It's probably a silly fear... But at the same time I can't stay the way I am. It is a horrible feeling to know I am living below what God has called me to be. So as of tonight, I am choosing to start walking in my destiny. One step, by one little step. First step this week. I am going to start journaling. And with that my goal is the blog once a week. I think it's so important for me to be recording what God is speaking to me, so that is were I am going to start.

Give it 100: Day14 Discouraged but pressing on.

I am not even sure what I have to say today. So many little thoughts blowing through my mind. Which thought to grab, and make more than a thought??? I guess I will start off my letting you know how my goals are going. To be completely honest, they are not going great. There are a few that I feel I have made progress on, but none that I fallowed completely. But it's not about perfection is about progress right??? I was thinking to myself weather or not I should restart the 100 day a fresh or keep going where I am at.

Give it 100: Day 3 What is success?

What is success?
This is the question on my mind lately. My idea of success looks totally different 5 years ago than it does now.   Then it was probably more about starting college, getting a good job, looking forward to getting married and having kids. Even then it was my goal to have a thriving relationship with God, but at that point it was so much more about how God could be a part of my plans, and not so much how I could be a part of what He is doing. Things are a bit different now, at least I hope. I feel like my goals and aims are more about serving Him and being a part of what He is doing but now I feel like I have more questions about success than ever. Right now one of the hardest things for me is looking at the lives of friends I did school with the last 3 years.  It's so easy for me to look at their lives and compare myself. Success for them right now looks like preaching to thousands, healing the sick and hurting  on a daily basis, singing on the Bethel worship team and I could go on and on. They are all a huge part of what God is doing. So that must be what success looks like, right? Yes, for them, and hopefully for me at some point. One of the most dangerous things I have found in life it comparison. All those things that my friends and classmates are doing are great, but that's not necessarily what success looks like for me right now.  Are achieving the goals I made 3 days ago success? Maybe, at least a part of success, but once I do reach those goals, then what?
Today I was listening to a message by Steffany Gretzinger. One I have listened to many times, but one thing that she said the really resonated with me today was "God doesn't measure success by the end product but by each yes we say to Him. I think it really resonated with me because I can so often judge success by my achievements, comparing myself, or reaching my goals.  But really it all comes down to getting into His presence and saying YES.  That's it really isn't it? I thinks it's those yeses that lead up to those achievements, ministry highs, and goals reached. I think about the people who said "yes" in the Bible. Mary, wow because she said yes God was able to use her to usher in the Messiah.  Each of the disciples, they dropped everything they were doing and fallowed Jesus. They got to get so close to Jesus, in such amazing ways. God saved humanity from the flood by Noah's yes.  Those are just a few I could think of right off the top of my head. So that all said, in my life I want success to be saying yes to Him everyday, weather it be a big yes or lots of small yeses. Yes.

Give it 100: Fresh Start

      I need some change in my life, BIG TIME. I have been back in Minnesota for over 6 months now. And the transition has not been easy. There have been lots of ups and downs. There have been lots of good parts. It's been so great to be back in the place I love so much, and so great to see some many of people I love so much.  Honestly though, it's been very very hard. Especially the past 2 or 3 months have been the most difficult. I have not been thriving, just doing my best to survive. Today I was listening to a word from Heidi Baker and she was speaking about some of the almond trees she had on her property and how they were really not thriving or bearing fruit. She said they had were going to have the trees pruned back and if they didn't thrive after that, they would have to be chopped down. A few days after Heidi's trees were pruned they were green and thriving. I really feel like it is such a crucial time for me. It's time for some change. It's been 6 months since I have been uprooted and transplanted, and now it's time for some major pruning.  I am sick of not thriving, and ready to do something about it. It's been a few weeks since I knew I wanted and needed some change, but just didn't know how to realistically go about it.  A few days ago I saw this video someone posted on Facebook. It was this women who took 100 days to workout and get healthy. As I was watching it I really felt it it was something I could actually do. Take 100 days and really go for something. Obviously I want to make some real life time changes, but I figure 100 days is a really good start, and it will give me some motivation and structure. This is something I am doing for ME. Because I am worth it. I plan on blogging throughout this 100 days, but mostly for myself. I feel like it could be great accountability for myself,  a great way for me to track my progress, and to look back on later. One of the changes I plan on making is getting fit and healthy, which is one thing I am rarely open about and don't really like to talk to anyone about. Though it's quite an obvious struggle in my life and not a rare one for others, it's something I have always hated talking about. That being said I am going to do my best to be vulnerable on here and really share my heart and struggles.  So please be patient with me.

Here is a bit of an outline of the changes I plan on making over the next 100 days and beyond.

Not to do list:
These are things  I have found that keep me from being who I want to be.

-I will not be watching any Youtube vlogs. They give me a false sense of connection with people and are time wasters for me.
-I will not be playing games on Facebook. They are too much of a time wasters for me.
-I will not self-isolate when I feel down and disconnected.
-I will not compare myself to those I can often view as more fit, spiritual, or successful.

To do:
These are things I want to do over the next 100 days to be the person I know God is calling me to be. Some are big changes, and some are small. Some are things I am already doing but not everyday, and want them to be a daily thing.

-I will exercise 5 days a week.
-I will eat more healthy.
    No pop
    No fast food (except on Sundays when as a family we eat out after church)
    I will eat breakfast every morning
-I will keep my apartment clean.
-I will journal everyday.
-I will blog 3-5 times a week.
-I will read before bed.
-I will read my Bible and spend time with God everyday.

So there it is. I plan on day 1 being tomorrow. If you are reading this, thanks!!! I am so excited for this journey. Thanks for coming along.