Day 27- Doing hard things. Excuses vs Passion

Well, honesty moment. The last few days haven't gone so well on my journey to the best me. Christmas eve and Christmas day went ok. I really didn't over indulge, had a few of my favorite things, but kept them to reasonable serving sizes. Also I chose not to exercise either days. I felt like taking those two days just to relax and spend time with family, which was ok, but I really do wish I would have just taken 20mins to move my body, I really feel like that would have helped keep me motivated. So Christmas comes and goes, and I felt quite motivated to get back at things...but I didn't. I started making excuses for myself. "I really should tuck into that left over lasagna before someone else eats it. Plus who knows when I will get yummy lasagna anytime soon? Oh, and What's lasagna without a couple pieces out cheesy bread to go with it. " "Well today is ruined as far as my eating goes, what's the harm if I go grab some fast food?" The excuses and reasoning with myself go on and on through to today. That's probably my greatest weakness. ...Or maybe you could say strength. I am REALLY REALLY good at making excuses for my actions and reasoning with myself, and quite honestly it's killing me.
Quite often I think about PASSION. Passion is what drives a person. When I think about this journey I am on I know passion is going to be a huge key. My day is made up of hundreds of choices. The answer to each question comes down to what I am most passionate about. Am I most passionate about the taste of that Micky D's crispy ranch BLT Chicken sandwich or am I more passionate about about eating something healthy and good for my body and having a healthy fully functioning body? Am I more passionate about fitting in with my family and chomping down on some Taco Johns, or being committed to my health journey? In high school when I was playing on the hockey team, doing the hard things was easy. It was easy because I had passion. A HUGE passion. I would work my little heart out just to be the best hockey player I could be. No one ever questioned my passion. Passion to experience God and see others experience God, put me in my car to leave everything I know to drive 2,000 to a place I have never been to fallow that passion. Passion MOVES you. There are many many passions that motivate me towards the best me I can be, but these past few days I have had my eyes on the momentary gratifications not the long term passions.
I would really love to share some of the passions that motivated me on this journey. Over that month they have been what has been pushing me towards my goals. After the last few days I know it would have been invaluable to have a list of those passions. I will share them on here but also plan on posting them on a wall in my room for a constant reminder for the journey ahead
Here are some of my passions that are motivating me on this journey...

• I am passionate about honoring my body because the God commands me to.  The word says, in 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own. For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body." This should be of the utmost importance, but the truth is I have been treating my body like trash and definitely not as a temple that has been bought with a price. I so want to glorify God in my body. 
• I am passionate about being adventurous. I really thing God put an adventurous spirit in me for a reason. I love getting out in nature, hiking and exploring. I hate the fact that I have missed out on some really awesome group hikes while I was in California because I was unsure if I would be able to keep up with the group, or being embarrassed of how out of breath I might. Also being as overweight as I am, I am just not as agile as I could or want to be. I want to get out there in explore this beautiful world God created. 
• I am still very  passionate about hockey. Right now I don't even come close to fitting in my gear. Just bending down to tie my skates is a challenge. Stepping on that ice is one of my favorite feelings ever. It's so freeing for me. I would love to get back on that ice and not feel held back by my unhealthy body. I also have a goal to someday coach a hockey team. To achieve that goal I need to have a healthy body to be a good example to the young athletes and to just keep up with them. I want help develop a passion for hockey in other young girls and women. 
• I am passionate about starting to love my body. I think from early childhood I have struggled with a hatred toward my body. I know this part of my journey is going to be more of an inner healing, than a physical change. I think it's an important part of this journey. I want to loose weight because I love my body not because I hate it. I know I can loose a bunch of weight and still hate my body.  One with out the other will leave me to held back from the best God has for me  I am passionate about an inner and outer transformation. 
• I am passionate to living up to my destiny!!!! The word potential kind of scares me. I know that I have held myself back from some amazing things God my have had for me.  I think God put in each of us so much more potential that very few of us catch hold of. The first thing that scares me is starting to think about the potential that might have been in the days past that I did not grab hold of. I know that letting my mind stay in that place is destructive and non productive. I can not change that past, but I can look towards the future He has for me. Though, it is also scary to just ponder the things He has planned for my future. It's so much bigger than just me. It's bigger than me because I must do it with Him, alongside the people He has placed in my life. I want to be so passionate about the plans He has for me that I will not let anything hold me back. 
• I am passionate about wearing fun clothes. Growing up I have never been super into fashion, but I feel like I am really looking forward to developing my own style. It makes me feel great when I look great. It's not just about the outside, but for me it's about valuing myself enough to care about my outward appearance. 

I know there are probably more passions I will think of while I am on this journey, but I think this is a good start. It will really help me to make smart choices based on what I am REALLY passionate about.  Thank you all for your love and support from the last blog. Your love and kind words mean so much to me. If you read this blog please let me know what you think, or if you have any tips or encouragement. I can use any support I get. Love you ALL!!!!!!!!!

A little less talk and a lot more action

I don't know how many times I have written out goals and planned out just how I was going to lose weight and become a healthier me. Honestly it's been countless times. I think it makes me feel good, though only for a few days.  For some reason, nothing ever comes of them, well other than feelings of failure and defeat. Three weeks ago today, something clicked. I decided to go for it. No, I didn't write out more goals or plans this time. I just went for it.  I did something. Actually got off my behind and worked out. I went to the grocery store and stocked my fridge and cupboards with good food. Now here I am, three weeks later, and 12 lb. lighter. I am actually doing this thing!!!! It's been so easy and so hard at the same time. I have felt so strong, and then so weak. I have felt so high, and then so very low.  I have felt in control, and then absolutely out of control. One minute I feel so motivated, and the next so defeated. I have had to face who I am, who I think I am, who I think others think I am, but most importantly who God says I am. I have wrestled quite a bit with so many things over these past weeks. Wrestled with things I have not wanted to face for many years. Things that need to faced.
There are two main things that really kind of clicked for me about a month ago. The first thing was a post from a pastor I fallow on Facebook.  She said something like "You need to take yourself seriously, because God takes you seriously". This statement really hit me. One thing I often struggle with is insignificance, and I am realizing just how much it is effecting so many aspects of my life. "My health and body really doesn't matter". "Making my days meaningful is not important".  "My passions don't really matter". "I have always been fat so why try". Grabbing the fact that God takes me seriously changes everything!!! God cares about my health and body. Living each day to the fullest helps me be who God created me to be. God put the passions in my heart for a reason. My body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and I must take care of it. IF GOD TAKES ME SERIOUSLY, I MUST AS WELL.
The second thing that really helped me kick start this thing, was seeing other success stories online. Seeing other people just like me who have lost 100+ pounds. Up until now it feels like I have been up against a giant wall of impossibility, and up against it all alone. But after seeing stories of people who have does this, I KNOW it's possible. And somehow this time I believe I can do it. That is also one reason I am going to try to blog my journey.  At first I just wanted to do this thing and not tell anyone. This is a pretty personal subject for me, and letting the world in on it is not a little thing. I just kind of wanted to go for it, and not tell anyone. I really kind of don't want anyone to even notice when I do loose weight, I just want to be normal, and want it to be as if I was always normal, that I never even did struggle with this. No "oh, you've lost weight", oh, you look great". Nothing. But here I am putting some of my most personal stuff out on the internet for everyone to see. I do it in the hopes that along this journey that maybe, just maybe I could inspire someone else, like those random people on Youtube who shared their story and inspired me. That I could tell that one someone that, YES!! YOU too can do this. Weather it's weight loss or some other hard thing. Some seemingly impossible wall in front of you.
I am only in the begining of this journey, and don't claim to know much. I do feel like in the last 3 weeks I have really made a great start and have starting chipping at this wall that I once thought was impossible. I don't promise to blog on a super regular basis but I will do my best. So if you want and are interested, please join me on this journey.


PS: As kind of a fun motivation for me, I have decided to not cut my hair until I have lost 100 pounds (and for those who have not seen my in quite a while, right now my hair is the longest it has ever been). I just think it would be a fun thing to symbolically step into a new season of the life then. Also then when you see me with short hair you will know I have done it!!! :)