The sky matches my heart.

Here in Redding, supposedly the second sunniest place in the country. It's cold, gloomy and rainy. Though, today, something about it feels right. It matches what I am feeling inside. I feel like the sky is crying tears I don't know how to cry. Once again I feel alone. I feel left behind. 9 months ago I left everything back home, and now, now all of the people I let myself get closest to here are gone. I know I am not really alone. Papa is there for you, "they" say. ...But that's not the answer I want to hear. Years ago I didn't know how to connect with the people around me, I have learned so much and I am still learning. But to connect with Papa God, that's a totally different story.  My goal this summer is to press into Him, to break into that intimate place with Him. I know it's going to be hard, and it will probably be painful, breaking things off and steeping into new freedoms. But I am so ready for it. I need it. I HAVE to know Him. Really know Him. With all my heart I wish I could skip the next 12 weeks, but I really feel like it is probably going to be the most growth filled season of my life. So please, be praying for me this summer, it would mean a lot. Pray that I wouldn't let this season pass me by, I know it's up to me to get out of this time that I want. Pray that I would press through the hard, painful and lonely times. Pray that I could see what is possible, sometimes I get stuck and just can't see anything but what surrounds me. Thank you  friends. LOVE YOU!!!

Setting a new standard of His faithfulness

Just over 7 months ago I arrived here in Redding, CA knowing I was about to go on the greatest adventure of my life thus far. I came to the Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry knowing I would get stretched in great ways, but not really know what was really going to take place in the 7 months from then until now. I knew I would be stepping out of every comfort zone I have established up until that point. I would be leaving a familiar land and going to the last place I would ever expect to go(California). I would be leaving some amazing friendships and force myself to let a whole new group of people know me. I would be stepping out in the prophetic and healing and other giftings that I know God wants to use me in. Also what turned out to be one of the greatest stretching would be financial. I came here with half my tuition paid(enough to start school), and 2 months living expenses. The plan was to hit the job search hard in hopes of finding a job before my money ran out and trust God big time.

I start school and everything is amazing!! I find myself amongst 800 of the most amazing revivalist from around the world. October rolls around and my second half of tuition is due, and I have nothing. I met with the person who takes care of all the tuition, and was able to set up a payment plan. I now owe $300 each month for the next 6 months. So many questions ran through my head. Am I really supposed to be here? Did I just make the biggest mistake? Is God heart towards me really good enough to come through on this?

My first payment was Nov 16th. On Nov 2nd I was sitting in a coffee shop with some friends, I was checking my email and received an email saying that someone anonymously donated $300 towards my tuition. REALLY?! Was this real? Thank you God!! He just might want me to be here, or at least for 1 more month.

So here comes December, this was definitely one of the most challenging months. All my money had run out, I could no longer pay rent, and another tuition payment was coming up. One Friday in revival group we praying for those who needed financial breakthrough. The next day at school there was $300 cash in my homework folder. I had some choices to make. I could use the money to pay rent, I could use it to pay for tuition, or I could use it to pay for gas and go home. After praying about it I decided I was here to go to school. I used the money to pay my tuition payment and sent out a email to my revival group letting everyone know I was looking for a new place to stay. A few days later 2 good friends of mine walked up to me and offered for me to stay with them. They were going to give me 2 months to continue to find a job and if I found a job and was able to start paying rent they were going to allow me to stay permanently.

My January payment due date had come and nothing had come in. I was giving a week extension to get it in and at that point I would be locked out of school if it hadn’t come in. I was really struggling that week. God had provided the past two months, but I was convinced that Gods goodness has to end somewhere, I was really thinking I would be going home soon. On the date it was due I had a bad cold, I was feeling really sick, but decided I wanted to go to school anyway because the next day I would be locked out. My roommate was strongly suggesting that I stay home and rest and not get everyone else at school sick. Something turned in me and I decided to stay home and rest and trust that I would be able to attend school the next day. I stayed home and relaxed. I posted my need on Facebook and by the end of the day the $300 had come in!!

My February payment was now coming up soon. For my birthday was a few weeks ago and a few of my friends had wanted to take me shopping and buy me some new clothes. After chatting we decided the money would be better used to go towards my tuition payment. This helped a ton, but I still need around $250. The day the payment was due I posted my need on Facebook once again. Later that day I had checked my account, once again the money had come in!!! I wrote a thank you note to the person who made the donation, and she had explained that she had been wanting to give but hadn't been able until that time. Perfect timing right?!?!

March had been a rough month. I had been working my job and got my 1st paycheck. I was able to pay rent and a few bills, but the money was just not enough. All this time I had put complete trust in God that He would provide, but know I had a job and working but it just wasn't enough. It was such a realization that I can never put my security in a job or anything else. So the first due date for that months tuition come and goes, and I request an extension. I needed $300 by the 29th. So it the 28th and the night before someone anonymously donated $20, and another person donated $30 that day. I still needed $250 or I would be locked out after the next day. That night I was chatting with a friend online I told her a bit of what was going on, and she decided to go and pay the remainder of the payment.

It is now April. Only one payment left. I am feeling worn and kind of exhausted. Keeping very very busy with work, school, and doing my best to maintain my friendships. I had gotten a 2nd paycheck but still doing my best to catch up on bills, it didn’t don’t cover my tuition. Again I was not able to rely on myself. He brought me this far, and it is still up to Him to bring me pass the finish line. Quite honestly the night it was due I was feeling quite discouraged. I had nothing, and need $300 by the end of the night. I had spent the evening with my friend Courtney and just before I was about to go home, at around 11pm, 1 hour before the tuition was due, I decided to check my tuition account. I honestly could not believe my eyes. Someone anonymously donated the last $300.

This past nine months God has been setting a standard of His faithfulness to me. Before coming here I thought I had heard Him say that He was going to provide for me as He provided for the Israelites in the desert. God set a standard for them. At first they didn't really know how they were going to survive, they just knew they were meant to leave Egypt. But God was so faithful. I am guessing the first couple days they may have questioned Gods goodness, as I did. He gave us manna to day but will it really happen again tomorrow. But it did. This has been such an incredible journey, and in no way do I believe it is over, or ever will be, but He is setting a standard of His faithfulness in my life. I know His heart towards me is good, and I no longer have any reason or excuse to not trust Him.

Chasing the Son: God is like a Zamboni?

   Last night I was at a evening service at twin view(the second campus here at Bethel where we go to some services), worship had been going for a while, and I just really felt that I needed to do some soaking. I went over by my friend Jenny and laid down on the chairs, and started to talk to Jesus. After a bit Jenny came up to me and prayed and prophesied over me. She had said something about a "new playing field". It really caught my thoughts.  I stated thinking about an ice rink, of course that's where my mind went : ). I started thinking about fresh ice, and how God is like a Zamboni.  Life is like a hockey game. After time the ice gets messy, it gets cuts and grooves and gets covered with snow. These imperfections come from my skates, my opponents skates, and my teammates skates. It's no different where the mess comes from, but the puck(which I see as my ministry) has trouble moving towards the goal unless I allow the Zamboni come clean up the ice. The Zamboni comes out, it has a very sharp blade underneath it. It scrapes up all the snow that has been brought up by skates scraping the ice. It scrapes up the snow and draws it up into itself. After it gets rid of the snow the Zamboni lays down a very hot layer of water on the ice, which melt the top of the ice and repairs and fills in the the cracks and grooves. On the back of the Zamboni there is a blanket that smooths everything out.

    I see the game as life, the puck is my ministry, and the goal is... well my goals, my aim and my focus in life. The ice is the surface life is played out on. As the surface gets messy, it gets more and more difficult to move the puck towards the goal. In order for the ice to be cleaned I must come to a place of total surrender to God. In an intermission of an ice hockey game, everyone must get off the ice to let the Zamboni come out. Even the goals must move. In order for God to come in and give me a clean playing surface I must let Him have total access to my heart. God comes in with the sharp blade of His word(written or spoken) He scrapes close and gathers up my "crap" and pulls it up into Himself. The warmth of His love covers my heart, melts away and repairs the cut and grooves, the hurts, pains, and wounds. Lastly His comfort is like nothing else, like the towel on the back of the Zamboni smooths everything out, Holy Spirit, covers my heart with a comfort like nothing else.

Chasing the Son; New year, new things

   First of all I would like to apologize for not keeping up with this blog. God is really doing some amazing things here and I really feel like I am cheating myself by not writing things down. That is why one of my gaols this  new year is to keep up with this blog, at least once a week.
   Wow, the last 4 months have been amazing and amazingly challenging.  I still do not have a job, God has been blowing my mind away the last few month with His faithfulness. Last week I really struggled with the idea that His goodness has to end somewhere, there is no way He can continue to keep providing and being this good to me, or at least that's what I thought. I had a $300 tuition payment due on Tues, and it just seemed so so impossible. He has provided my tuition payments the last 2 months, but for some reason, I just wasn't sure that He was going to come through this months. Can He really be that good? Well He sure showed me!!! Yesterday(Tuesday) my $300 was due and I only had 1/3 of it on that morning. I was really not feeling well, and my roommate was encouraging me to stay home, but I didn't want to because I knew I wasn't going to be able to make my payment and I would not be able to go to school the next day and would not be able to continue until the money came in.  As I was thinking about it, a ton a faith rose up and I felt that I really should stay home and rest and out of faith and that place of rest it would all come in and I would be going to school the next day. So that is exactly what I did, as I stayed home and relaxed... ALL THE MONEY CAME IN!!!!! I sat there and was astonished!!! God is so so good to me!!!
   Today Kris V. talked about honor, it was soooo amazing. The longer I am here and the more I am in this place the more and more respect I have for each of the leadership here. It not like a "puffed up" kinda thing either, it's just that what they are doing is the real deal. None of them are perfect, which we get to see too, but I see what they are doing, the unwavering faith they have, their love for people, the time they spend in prayer and the word.